Emma will be my last baby. The stress of pregnancy on my body has caused a lot of problems for my heart. The doctors have agreed that it would not be safe for me to become pregnant again. Even before my heart problems surfaced, we had considered that this might be our last child. In hind sight, I think that this was Father's way of preparing my heart for things to come.
But still there is something about being unable to have another child that makes me feel so sad. Maybe its my rebellious spirit wanting something it can't have. Or maybe its the joy of seeing Emma make her first smile. I love my sweet babies! And it seems so sad to think that Emma will be my last. Sad that it will be the last time my baby will fit laid across my chest. The last time I get to feel all of those tiny fingers wrapped around my finger. The last time I get to watch her whole body make work towards getting out those first coos. And the "lasts" will only continue through each stage of her precious life.
With that I think maybe we could have just one more. Maybe my heart could handle it. But then I remember waking up in the hospital and seeing my husbands eyes filled with tears as he held my hand tightly and said, "I thought I was going to loose you." No. Our family has four - no more.
I try to remind myself that there would always be a last baby. Even if I had 15 children, there would always be a last and it would always feel sad to think that it was my last time to have these sweet experiences. The fact that this is my last baby should just make me enjoy the experiences all the more. Plus, I am fortunate because I have so many brothers and sisters. Through them I hope that I will get to hold and love lots of babies through the years. And then one day I get to have the joy of holding my babies babies.
Over the past couple weeks of processing through the fact that I won't be able to have any more children, I have realized that I have already been blessed so much more than I can even express. These two beautiful healthy girls are more than I could possibly deserve or ask for. To not be content in the blessing that Father has given me would be nothing short of wrong.
Father, thank you for your blessings. Thank you entrusting me with these precious lives. Help me as I bring them up to love you. Thank you for restoring my health so that I can enjoy the sweet moments with them and watch them grow.
2 comments:
I must confess your heartfelt post brought tears to our eyes. We love you all!
Ashleigh - I thought this was so well written. hugs.
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